Reply to Alec's Reflection and My Confession

As a reply to Alec's reflection:

"Don't feel sorry for the way you have live for the past, no matter is possessed by Sloth, Arrogance or Envy, it is still a part of life. Nobody could be perfect, at least I have seen none. You are consider the much lucky one among all. Most of us have more untold stories behind the happy faces. I do not deserve your sorry because you have not trespass against me in any sense. =>"

I have been living in the same style as Alec does for more than 4 years. Others might seem me as a hardworking person while I am not. He works hard enough for your parent to be proud of while I work hard to promise my own destiny. Due to my selfishness, I always wanted to get rid of my family by ignoring them since college. I chose to study Canadian Grade12 hoping that I will further study in US or Canada, making sure I will be in a continent as far as possible from home. I was not successful for that coz I ended up in UK. I keep telling myself and motivate myself to study hard enough to get a job in a big company that promise me a living independent from my family. My mom always tell me she's not gonna stay with me in the future because all my family members too used to stay apart from each other. This does not fit in Asian's ethic but I feel a relief when I heard that. Sounds selfish? That's how I was being brought up - plan for my own good to survive in the world that lies within lies. I know it is obvious that I show this in my attitude even my love life. In fact, I learnt to protect myself by keeping all feelings to myself, not mentioning it to anyone. I tried to love somebody but still I am not ready, being selfish again. I did not try hard enough and I decided to let it go after a while. I am afraid I will get hurt again like what happen in the past. Whenever I think about this, there is always this song by "Because of you" by Kelly Clarkson in my mind. The mv and part of the lyrics match my conditions. I believe a lot of people are the same as I do. I always pretend to be cheerful, little kid but deep down emotionless. I believe most people have heard about the story of the clown behind his mask. I am same as he does for a little difference which tears no longer drain from my eyes. I forgot how long have I not been living without this mask or maybe I feel more comfortable with it. Yuhui and Kristie are special. We share similar story yet different. However, no matter how close we are I have not yet reveal all of myself. Sorry and thank you for everything you all have done to me. I might have a lot of trespasses against you (not just YH and Kris, but everyone) and I not dare not to ask for forgiveness. For those who care for me, a thousand apologies and thank you for all efforts that you all have done for me.

It is funny when a lot of people consult me for advice when I couldn't even help myself. I know exactly the power of words to cure and motivate but I think it might be a lifetime chore to cure my own wound. It is even harder to find the right key to open the box of secrets in my heart. I cherish all the friendships and wish it stays as innocent as it could without any interference. Again thank you and apologies. Thank you for accepting me for who I am and sorry for all the things I have done that offended you all.